That Fjällräven Polar 2017 was a special event can’t have escaped anyone. And by now it’s also pretty clear that the whole thing left quite an impression on me. It’s no coincidence that it took me more than three and a half months to properly put my experiences, thoughts and memories on paper. In fact, it took weeks before I could even talk about it without falling silent and drifting off into a daydream..
Disclaimer
Because I made the trip of my life. And not just any trip, I took part in Fjällräven Polar 2017. I made a dream come true. It really happened. I fought for it for four weeks, fought like a lion, and I won. It turned out to be everything I hoped for. It was even more beautiful than I had dared to dream, but I’m not going to pretend that my life is perfect now or that I’ve become a completely different person. What I do hope is to show what something as crazy as 300 kilometers of dog sledding can do to a person.
Out of touch or actually in touch with reality?
For quite a while I wondered whether I was completely out of touch with reality after this adventure, or whether I was clearer than ever and actually completely in touch with reality. And what do you do with yourself when you constantly feel like you’re somewhere you don’t belong? My lost existence almost drove me to despair. So I started reading. And reading helped. I read Thoughts in Solitude by Thomas Merton, The Call of The Wild by Jack London and the biggest eye opener: this article called ‘The Virtues of Isolation’. I had found a feeling, no, a state of being that I couldn’t, and still can’t, put into words myself. So I’ll make an attempt to do it with the words of others.
Existential crisis
For example, I learned from Jack Fong, a sociologist in California, that my ‘existential crisis’ was caused by having been alone with myself for long enough. He calls it ‘mental flickers of clarity’ (it just sounds better in English). And that might be the best way to describe how an experience like this can change your life. Because when you stand on a sled for hours on end and can’t talk to anyone, your mind runs wild. And because you have zero distractions, no sense of time at all and nothing you ‘have to’ do except steer your sled, that can lead to very clear moments.
“When you have these moments, don’t fight it. Accept it for what it is. Let it emerge calmly and truthfully and don’t resist it. Your alone time should not be something that you’re afraid of. (…) It really lifts you out of problems. It really, really has a powerful function for making you understand your predicament in this universe.”
Productive solitude
Another expert in the field of solitude is Matthew Bowker. He believes solitude can only be productive if you search within yourself, however uncomfortable that is. Because as I described earlier, this wasn’t a process I got through in a few days. It was a process of months. From discovering the contest all the way to processing and writing down all of this.
“It might take a little bit of work before it turns into a pleasant experience. But once it does it becomes maybe the most important relationship anybody ever has, the relationship you have with yourself.”
With the most important principle being that being alone can only help you if you have the option to join a social event when you feel like it. Solitude only gets you out of trouble when it’s voluntary. And when, on top of that, you’re able to build positive relationships with people and things.
How Fjällräven Polar 2017 changed my life
With all of the above as food for thought, I tried to figure out whether I had really changed that much just by going sledding for a bit. And how, then? Don’t worry, I’m still good old Mies. But the things I learned during this adventure have become a number of valuable tools for everyday life. It started geographically. Because I was born and raised in a village, I’ve had quite a hard time living in the city for the past year and a half. I hated going into town on the weekend, I just couldn’t get used to all the noise and how crammed everything was.. But now I feel more out of place there than ever. So we went house hunting. Because we both really wanted to get out of the city.
Go take a sled ride!
Then came the psychological side. A lot tougher. I learned that there are no ‘shortcuts’ in life, learned to set priorities and learned to go full throttle for what you believe in. If something doesn’t suit me, why should I keep accepting it? My winter depression? I no longer have to deal with it. It isn’t part of me. I’m simply going to take up that fight. That monster can go take a very long sled ride. I’m sure it’ll do it a world of good. Wasting hours on the couch on movies or dumb TV? I can’t do that anymore. Although I’d actually love to still be able to. I’ve become much stricter with myself when it comes to ‘doing things’. And even though it sometimes causes a lot of restlessness (in my head and body), I usually love it.
Fomo nomo
All the notifications on my phone are OFF these days. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, WhatsApp and YouTube no longer run my life. I run my life. And not in first gear, but in fifth. Because I don’t want to waste another second of my life on something I don’t want to waste it on. I don’t want to be a slave to my phone anymore; my phone is a slave to me and my adventures. Admittedly, this might have been the hardest change. But after a week like that on the sled, I hadn’t missed a single thing, apart from a few notifications and messages asking if I was having fun. And then it really dawns on you that a smartphone is nowhere near as indispensable as you think.
Can I please go outside?
I also gained more passion. Because I became even crazier about nature. When I went hiking for the first time a few years ago, I thought I had been changed forever by my new love for nature, for outdoor activities and above all for Scandinavia (hence my reindeer tattoo). But this is the next level. Rain? What a laugh, I’ll just put on a poncho. Wind? Protect your ears and go. Cold? Layers, layers, layers. I constantly have cravings to go and get lost with my backpack. Away from people, buildings and noise. For 25 years I hated camping and refused to sleep in a tent, but now I can’t wait to go and get lost with Bart-Jan (in Norway) with a little tent on our backs.
You can learn to care about the environment
The adventure also made me more environmentally conscious. I went from a smoking sports hater to a tree-hugging nature lover. We eat less meat, buy fewer products in plastic, take shorter showers and carpool more. All so we can enjoy nature for as long as possible and pass it on to the generations after us. Because it’s really painful to think that the snowy landscapes I’ve seen will disappear in a few years. And I can’t just sit back and watch that happen.
Be kind or keep your mouth shut
I’ve also become much kinder to and more patient with the people around me. I’ve learned to forgive, to let go of pent-up anger and resentment, and to be slower to judge. And yes, when I stood on the sled for 9 hours in a single day, a few specific cases crossed my mind. My former employer, where I burned out at 23? Their loss. The people who called me a whiner when my vacation last summer was partly ruined by strophulus? Just jealous. And the ones who told me to stop campaigning because I wouldn’t win anyway? Ha! What a bunch of jokers. Love them anyway. And if you can’t say anything nice, just keep your mouth shut.
Insecurity is a thing of the past
And last but not least, the biggest liberation of all: I’m rid of my chronic insecurity. Insecurity about my body, because nature really doesn’t care whether you have a six-pack or whether your eyebrows are on fleek . Insecurity about how I come across to other people, because as long as you’re genuine, sincere and yourself, you can’t go wrong. Insecurity about my skills, because I’ve learned to camp in wintry conditions and make a fire myself. And insecurity about my perseverance, because against all odds I didn’t give up, I won this trip and then even completed it without freezing to death.
Bye ‘old’ Michelle, hello ‘new’ Michelle
I had heard beforehand that Fjällräven Polar 2017 would be a ‘life changing experience’ , but I couldn’t for the life of me imagine in what way it would change me. But looking back now, I’ve come back so much stronger. I’ve learned so many valuable things. And above all, I’ve learned to love myself. To see my own worth. To see that I’m strong enough to do what I want. To chase my dreams. And to stop worrying about what others think of that. What they think of me. Because I can move mountains. And I’m definitely going to. Watch me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGQMw12rG04
Read more: day 1 – Silence is silver, speech is golden
Read more: day 6 – Crossing the finish line in tears with the Polar family
